3 Steps to Foster Healthy Conflict

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Conflict Is Going To Occur AND Conflict Is Needed… to some degree!

Constructive conflict can lead to growth and change.  If you take the time at a young age to show your children the process of healthy conflict, things can go much smoother the next time a disagreement occurs and will serve them in the long term.

Ideally, you establish that even though there is a conflict you are still allies.  Often times a conflict occurs and family members immediately flee to opposite sides of the ring. This breeds defensive behavior, emotional dysregulation and escalation, and what I call dirty fighting (name calling, bringing up baggage from the last fight, overgeneralizing, and blaming). This truly accomplishes nothing.  No one is actually being heard and you remain on the opposite side of the ring.

These three steps foster healthy conflict

Allow each person to put themselves in the others’ position as well as take responsibility for their own part in the conflict.

STEP ONE

Acknowledge the conflict is going in an unhealthy direction and there is a need to take space. This acknowledgment can come from each of you tapping into your physical response to what is happening, (i.e., head feeling hot, tightness somewhere in your body, pulse increasing, etc.). Allow each other to call a timeout and take space from one another.  You can establish ahead of time how long you take space.  This is not a way to avoid the conflict.  This is merely a way for you all to regulate yourselves so you can come back and revisit the subject.

STEP TWO

When you take time away you both do three things:

Calm yourself down. Use coping skills to achieve a more restful state of mind. This could be a walk, shooting baskets, taking bath, reading, listening to music, or deep breathing.

Each person asks themselves, “What have I done to contribute to the current conflict?” “What is my part?” Everyone has a part. It could be as simple as the tone you were using.

Flip it. Put yourself in the other person’s place:  “What is mom feeling right now?” “Why is she reacting the way she is?”

STEP THREE

When you come back together to revisit the conflict, express what you learned in the process when you took space. Express what you felt was your part in the conflict.  Share your understanding of the other’s position.

This process helps your children/teens understand how to have healthy conflict. This process also helps them create and cultivate coping skills that they need for not only conflict with you and others but in general when they feel dysregulated and stressed out.

3 Steps to Keep Your Teen on Track & Keep Your Interaction Positive

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What percentage of interaction between you and your teen is positive?

Or should I say, “perceived” positive?  I ask this question with every teenager and family I work with.  You would be surprised by the answers I receive and disconnect between parent and teen on what is actually perceived as a positive interaction between them.

The Disconnect between Parent and Teen

There are so many to-dos during the day for our teens.   Getting to school on time, getting their homework done, getting chores completed, going to their extracurricular activities, etc.  If you can imagine a day in your teen’s life you would see that they don’t have much control over their day.  They are told when to rise when to leave the house when to eat, even when they are allowed to go to the bathroom in school. Parents see the interaction with their teens as the parents best effort to keep their teens on track.  However, teens may view this as negative interaction.  Sometimes it becomes what the relationship is about; coaxing them to stay on task, getting to places on time and their to-do’s done. This perceived negative interaction can drain a relationship and begin distancing you from your teen.

3 steps on how to keep your teen on track and keep the percentage of your interaction positive at the same time.

  1. Ask them these questions:  What percentage of interaction do you view as positive between us?  Ask for each parent independently. Ask what do you attribute the negative interaction to be? How can the negative interaction be reduced?  What can they do to reduce the negative interaction?  What can you as a parent do to reduce the negative interaction?
  2. Putting expectations in place. Sitting down with your teen and asking them what they think should be expected of them with chores, and schoolwork?  What do they need from you to assist them to stay on track so the interaction doesn’t have to be negative? What is their part in keeping themselves on track so you don’t have to be negative Nelly?
  3. Make sure you have downtime with your teen.   This can be throwing the football, watching a favorite show, getting your nails done, checking out and going camping with them and their friends, taking a scheduled hooky day, planning a special vacation of their choice.

Breaking down your interactions with your teens from a place of positive can really change how you interact with your teen.