Teen girl sits on steps inside metal railing, backpack at feet, looking burdened

An Unbearable Pressure Cooker: The Truth About Teen Stress Today

/in , /by
More teenagers are walking into my office already exhausted by a future they haven’t reached yet.
If your child is entering middle or high school, you might assume the pressure they’re under is simply “how it’s always been.” I’m here to tell you: it hasn’t.
As both a therapist who has worked with teens for two decades and a parent of children ranging from twelve to twenty-seven, I’ve had a front-row seat to how dramatically childhood has shifted. What my oldest experienced just ten years ago is almost unrecognizable compared to what my youngest faces today.
What worries me most is how few parents realize how recent—and how extreme—this shift has been.

The Pressure Your Teen Is Really Under

Here’s what I hear regularly in my office:
“It’s too late for me.”
That sentence came from a thirteen-year-old eighth grader—about soccer. She believed she’d missed her window because she hadn’t started competitive play at age five.
Another teen described stress as “sandbags being placed on me, one after another.”
Another asked me, exhausted, “What is ‘enough’? I don’t even know where the bar is anymore.”
Today’s teens are growing up under a constantly moving standard. High school freshmen are expected to perform academically and extracurricularly at what used to be college-level expectations. A 4.0 GPA—once considered exceptional—is now sometimes framed as insufficient at competitive schools. Teens are told they need to do more, start earlier, and stand out constantly.
The problem isn’t high expectations alone. It’s that the goalposts keep moving.
Every time teens think they’ve figured out what’s required, the bar rises again. This happens during a developmental stage when a sense of accomplishment is essential for building self-worth. Instead of feeling pride, many teens experience chronic inadequacy. There’s no finish line—just an endless chase toward a standard that never settles.
And they watch this unfold daily, amplified by social media and constant comparison.

Why This Isn’t “Normal” Teen Stress

Parents often respond with, “I was stressed as a teenager too.” That’s true. But the nature and intensity of stress today are fundamentally different.
Consider athletics, an area where many families invest enormous time, money, and hope. Sports can be tremendously valuable. They teach teamwork, resilience, goal-setting, physical discipline, and how to handle both success and failure. At their best, they offer belonging and confidence.
But here’s the reality: nearly eight million students play high school sports in the United States. About 480,000 compete in NCAA athletics. Only a very small fraction go on to play professionally or at elite levels. The odds are extremely low.
The question for parents isn’t whether sports are worthwhile (they are) but whether the level of pressure, specialization, and fear of failure we place on kids is proportional to the actual likelihood of advancement.
Many teens now believe one bad season, one injury, or one average performance will permanently derail their future. There’s little room for experimentation or joy. Perfection becomes the expectation, even though development requires trial, error, and time.
When the intrinsic benefits of sports—joy, growth, connection—are replaced by fear and résumé-building, something important is lost.

Your Teen’s Baseline Stress Is Already High

Every person carries a baseline level of stress. Your teen’s baseline is significantly higher than yours before academics or extracurriculars are even added.
That baseline includes:
• Rapid physical changes and identity formation
• Navigating complex social hierarchies and peer dynamics
• Emotional volatility and heightened sensitivity
• Constant exposure to media, information, and comparison
• Near-constant connectivity and visibility online
Many teens are also spending more waking hours with teachers, coaches, and peers than with their parents, absorbing expectations from multiple adults every day.
Now add academic pressure, early college focus, performance demands, social media metrics, and the pervasive fear that one wrong move could “ruin everything.” If home life includes conflict, financial stress, or even the normal friction of parent-teen relationships, that baseline can quickly become unmanageable.

What Neuroscience Helps Us Understand

Adolescence is a period of profound brain development. The amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for fear and emotional reactivity—is highly active during the teen years. Meanwhile, the frontal lobes, which handle reasoning, planning, impulse control, and stress regulation, won’t fully mature until the mid-twenties.
Teens experience stress more intensely than adults do. A bad grade, social rejection, or disappointing performance can register in their nervous system as catastrophic—not because they’re dramatic, but because their brains are still under construction.
Executive functioning is genuinely hard at this stage. When we ask teens to juggle heavy academic loads, packed schedules, social pressures, and long-term planning, we’re asking them to operate with neurological equipment that isn’t finished yet.
Imagine being asked to drive expertly while the steering system is still being installed. What feels manageable to an adult can feel overwhelming to a teenager.
This isn’t defiance. It’s developmental reality.

The Questions Parents Need to Ask

Many forces shape a teen’s experience: schools, peers, coaches, social media, cultural expectations—and parents. All of these influences matter.
One question matters more than almost any other: What is my particular teen’s stress capacity right now?
Not compared to siblings. Not compared to classmates. Your teen.
Every adolescent has a unique stress threshold based on temperament, circumstances, developmental stage, and available support. The same schedule that energizes one teen can quietly break another.
Then ask honestly: Is the current level of stress promoting growth, or compromising mental health?
Some stress is healthy and necessary. Too much stress—especially chronic stress—causes real psychological harm. The line is different for every child.

5 Helpful Steps Parents Can (and Should) Take

1. Stop adding, Start subtracting
When teens struggle, our instinct is often to add more: tutors, coaching, more structure. Sometimes the most powerful intervention is reducing the load—allowing for more rest, more unstructured time, more family time, and more space to simply be a teenager.
2. Redefine “enough”
If the external bar keeps moving, you can create clarity at home. What does success look like in your family? What truly matters? Define it clearly and hold that line, even when outside pressure intensifies.
3. Prioritize intrinsic motivation
Ask why your teen is doing what they’re doing. Is it driven by interest and enjoyment—or by fear and résumé-building? When possible, protect activities that nourish curiosity and meaning rather than just performance.
4. Get help early
If you notice withdrawal, persistent anxiety or sadness, sleep changes, loss of interest, or a significant drop in functioning, don’t wait. Early intervention matters.
5. Trust your instincts
You know your child better than any coach, teacher, or admissions office. If something feels off—if your teen seems chronically exhausted, hopeless, or disconnected—trust that signal.
6. Protect the parent-child relationship
Despite what it may look like, parents remain the most important relationship in a teen’s life. Open communication and emotional closeness—what researchers call connectedness—are the strongest protective factors for adolescent mental health.

The Bottom Line

When a thirteen-year-old believes it’s already “too late” for her, her resilience isn’t the problem.
The problem is a cultural shift that has pushed expectations far beyond what adolescent development can realistically support. We’ve created an environment where many teens believe they’ve failed before they’ve truly begun.
Parents have more influence than they realize. We can make our homes places of refuge rather than pressure. We can redefine success in ways that support long-term wellbeing instead of constant performance.
Our job isn’t to manufacture perfect teenagers who check every box. Our role as parents is to raise children into healthy, capable, fulfilled adults—and that path needs space for growth, mistakes, curiosity, rest, and the freedom to be human without having to be exceptional all the time.
By Susan Caso, MA, LPC, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. This article originally appeared on Parenting Teens & Tweens: An Unbearable Pressure Cooker: The Truth About Teen Stress Today
Dad holds up finger to teen as he looks at phone

Want a Better Relationship with Your Teen? Put Down Your Phone

/in , , /by

The son waits at kitchen table, homework in hand, and he starts scrolling his phone. Minutes pass. Dad finishes an email, checks a notification, glances at his phone, and finally looks up. “Sorry, I’m–”

“Never mind,” the son says, walking away, a mix of frustration and disappointment in his voice. The project, and more importantly, the connection, went unanswered.

 

What Is Technoference

It’s in these everyday moments—the requests for help, the questions, the little victories they want to share—that adolescents are seeking something far more important than answers. They are asking for our presence, our attention, and the reassurance that they matter above all else.

As a family therapist, whenever I meet with parents, I often ask about their own technology use, not their child’s. This question surprises many. We are quick to monitor kids’ screen time but rarely reflect on our own habits. And yet, it’s our device use that often shapes the home environment more than anything we say.

This is the essence of technoference: technology interference that disrupts the connection between parent and child. It’s when a teen is sharing something important, and we glance at a notification. It’s when we scroll while they wait for guidance. It’s when a buzzing phone interrupts homework, dinner, or weekend conversation.

Even small, repeated moments of distraction send kids (and other adults) powerful messages: “I’m not as important as that screen. ”Over time, those messages quietly shape how they view themselves, their confidence, and their relationships.

Teens Learn About Connection From Us

Children of all ages, but particularly teenagers, watch what we do way more than listen to our words. We might tell them to put phones away at the table or limit screen time, but when they see us scrolling while lecturing, they notice.
Teens especially feel the sting of this inconsistency. In fact, research shows that 60% of parents report being on their phones more than their children are. When teens see us prioritizing a device over them, they internalize the message: “I’m not as interesting. I’m not as important.”

Through everyday moments of presence, our children absorb the most important lessons of human connection. They discover what it feels like to be truly listened to and valued, how to share themselves and be received with care, and how to navigate disagreements and differences without fear. They practice empathy, stepping into another person’s perspective, and learn to hold eye contact, read nonverbal cues, and express their feelings clearly. They also begin to respond thoughtfully to someone else’s needs.

These moments, though ordinary, are the building blocks of every relationship they will have—friendships, romantic relationships, and even their own future parenting. Every time we are present, our kids learn what love looks like, what safety feels like, and what it means to be truly connected.

When technology interrupts too often, those lessons are lost. Teens aren’t just irritated—they are missing opportunities to practice the skills that will shape their emotional and relational lives for decades to come.

Teen-Specific Moments That Matter

There are some specific moments for teens that are critical to their self-esteem and emotional development. It’s often the little opportunities that count, such as:

• When a teen struggles with a challenging project, sit beside them or near, offering encouragement or support. Stay available without technology.

• Listening as they talk about an incident with a friend, asking thoughtful questions instead without your phone or laptop open.

• Sitting in the car together after a long day, sharing the space—laughing, singing along to music, or telling stories. If they are driving, do not scroll on your phone.

• When they want to share about their passions, no matter how mundane or uninteresting they may seem to you, listen and respond with enthusiasm and genuine curiosity.

Each of these moments communicates: “I see you. I hear you. You matter.” These small investments of attention shape how teens relate to others, process emotions, develop empathy, and express love in return.

What Teens Tell Me About Technoference

I hear teenagers say things like:

• “I stopped telling her things because she wasn’t really listening.”

• “He tells me to put my phone away, but he’s always on his.”

• “Sometimes I just give up trying to get their attention.”

Teenagers don’t crave perfection—they crave presence. They need our eyes, our ears, our hearts focused on them. That is what builds trust, security, and connection.

How Parents Can Reclaim Presence

Connection doesn’t require hours—it requires attention, intention, and small, consistent shifts. It is never too late to change how you connect with your teen. Here’s how to start:
• Notice Your Habits: Become aware of when and why you reach for your device. Awareness is the first step toward change.
• Create Sacred Spaces: Establish tech-free zones—family meals, homework sessions, or weekend walks. These moments become safe havens for connection.
• Model What You Expect: If you want your teen to limit screen time, show them what it looks like. Say: “I’m putting my phone away so I can focus on you.” Actions speak louder than words.
• Respond to Bids for Connection: When your teen says, “Dad…” or “Mom…” pause, look up, and respond. Even a few seconds of full attention tells them they are valued.
• Be Transparent: Sometimes a call or message can’t wait. Explain it: “I need two minutes to handle this, then I’m all yours.” Clarity softens the impact of distraction.

Managing Tech Use Instead of Banning It

It’s tempting to see teens’ screen use as the problem, but the real solution begins with us. Every time we put down our devices and look up, we tell our children: “You are my priority. You are worth my full attention.”

Technoference isn’t about banning technology—it’s about remembering that what they need most isn’t our perfection, it’s our presence. Every “Dad…” or “Mom…” is a moment to let them know that they are seen, heard, and valued.

When we choose to be present, we are giving them something far greater than a lecture or a rule. We are providing them with the foundation to become confident, empathetic, and connected adults. And one day, they will carry that gift forward—into friendships, relationships, and even the way they raise their children.

Being fully present is a quiet act of love, but its impact lasts a lifetime.

By Susan Caso, MA, LPC, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. This post was originally published at Parenting Teens & Tweens: Want a Better Relationship with Your Teen? Put Down Your Phone

Sad teen girl sits on bed while parent enters room

How to Have “Healthy Conflicts” When Your Family Disagrees

/in , , /by

Let’s get real for a moment: conflict is inevitable. Whether it’s a disagreement over screen time, curfew, or whose turn it is to do the dishes, if you’re raising kids, you’re going to have conflicts. And here’s the thing that might surprise you—that’s actually a good thing.

Yes, you read that right. Conflict, when handled properly, isn’t just unavoidable; it’s essential for growth and development. The key isn’t eliminating disagreements from your household (spoiler alert: that’s impossible). The key is teaching your children how to navigate conflict in a healthy, productive way that will serve them for the rest of their lives.

Why Conflict Gets Messy

Picture this: A disagreement starts brewing in your home. Maybe your teenager wants to go to a party you’re not comfortable with, or your younger child is upset about a rule they think is unfair. Within minutes, what started as a simple difference of opinion has turned into World War III.

Sound familiar?

Here’s what typically happens: the moment conflict arises, family members retreat to opposite corners like boxers entering the ring. Suddenly, you’re no longer a team working through a problem together—you’re adversaries preparing for battle. This defensive positioning leads to a cascade of unhealthy behaviors that relationship experts sometimes call “dirty fighting.”

You know what dirty fighting looks like. It’s the name-calling that comes out of nowhere. It’s dragging up issues from three months ago that have nothing to do with the current situation. It’s the sweeping generalizations like “you always” or “you never.” It’s the blame game where everyone points fingers and no one takes responsibility.

The result? Nobody actually gets heard. The original issue remains unresolved. And everyone ends up more frustrated than when they started, still standing on opposite sides of that metaphorical ring.

The Power of Being Allies, Not Enemies

The foundation of healthy conflict resolution starts with a simple but powerful shift in perspective: remembering that even in disagreement, you’re still on the same team.

Your teenager isn’t your opponent—they’re your child whom you love and want what’s best for. You’re not trying to defeat them; you’re trying to guide them. Similarly, you’re not their enemy trying to ruin their life; you’re their parent trying to keep them safe and help them grow into responsible adults.

When family members can hold onto this “we’re still allies” mindset during disagreements, everything changes. Instead of defensive walls going up, there’s room for understanding. Instead of escalation, there’s space for regulation. Instead of winning and losing, there’s problem-solving together.

But how do you actually put this into practice when emotions are running high and everyone feels misunderstood?

The Three-Step Framework for Constructive Conflict

Teaching your children to handle conflict well isn’t about one perfect conversation. It’s about establishing a repeatable process that the whole family can use whenever disagreements arise.

Think of it as creating a roadmap that everyone can follow when things get heated.

Step 1: Hit the pause button.
The first step is recognizing when a conflict is heading in an unhealthy direction and having the courage to press pause.

This is harder than it sounds. In the heat of the moment, our bodies activate stress responses. You might notice your head feeling hot, a tightness in your chest or shoulders, your heart racing, or that familiar sensation of anger rising in your throat. These physical signals are your body’s way of telling you that you’re becoming disregulated.

Here’s where you introduce a powerful concept to your family: anyone can press pause, and when someone does, everyone respects it. No questions asked.

This isn’t about avoiding the conflict or “winning” by walking away. It’s about recognizing that productive conversation can’t happen when everyone’s nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode. You’re simply creating space to calm down so you can come back and actually resolve the issue.

Establish ground rules together as a family. How long will the pause be? Thirty minutes? An hour? Having this agreed upon in advance prevents the pause itself from becoming another point of conflict. Make it clear: this is a tool for regulation, not avoidance. You will revisit the conversation—just when everyone is in a better place to do so.

Step 2: Use the space wisely.
So you’ve pressed pause. Now what? This is where the real growth happens. During this break, each person needs to do three specific things.

To do this, calm yourself down. This is where coping skills come into play. And here’s the beautiful part—these skills are completely individualized. One person might need to go for a walk or run to burn off the intense energy. Another might shoot baskets in the driveway, letting the repetitive motion and physical activity settle their mind. Some people need to retreat to their room for a bath, a book, or their favorite music. Others might practice deep breathing exercises or meditation.

The specific activity doesn’t matter. What matters is that everyone finds what works for them to return to a calmer, more balanced state. This is an invaluable skill that extends far beyond family conflicts—it’s a life skill for managing stress, anxiety, and overwhelming emotions in any situation.

Then, look in the mirror. Once you’ve calmed down enough to think more clearly, it’s time for some honest self-reflection. Ask yourself: “What have I done to contribute to this conflict? What is my part in this?”

This might feel uncomfortable at first. It’s much easier to focus on what the other person did wrong. But here’s the truth: everyone has a part in every conflict. Always. Sometimes your part is obvious—maybe you raised your voice or said something hurtful. Other times it’s more subtle, like the dismissive tone you used or the way you rolled your eyes.

Taking responsibility for your part, no matter how small, is a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence. It’s one of the most important lessons you can model for your children.

And then, flip the script. This is perhaps the most transformative part of the process: putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you’re the parent, ask yourself: “What is my son feeling right now? Why is he reacting this way? What might be driving his behavior?” If you’re the child, consider: “What is mom worried about? Why is this issue important to her?”

This perspective-taking builds empathy and understanding. It helps you see beyond your own hurt or frustration to recognize that the other person has valid feelings and concerns too. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their position, but it does mean you’re willing to try to understand it.

Step 3: Come back together. 

After everyone has had time to calm down, reflect, and consider the other’s perspective, it’s time to reconvene. But you’re not coming back to continue the original argument. You’re coming back as people who have done important internal work.
Start by sharing what you learned during your time apart. Express what you recognized as your part in the conflict. It might sound like: “I realize I wasn’t really listening to you because I was already planning my response” or “I think I contributed to this escalating by using a sarcastic tone.”

Then, demonstrate that you’ve tried to understand their position by sharing your insights: “I think from your perspective, it must feel like I don’t trust you” or “I imagine you’re feeling frustrated because this rule seems arbitrary to you.”
This approach completely transforms the dynamic. Instead of returning to battle, you’re returning with vulnerability, accountability, and empathy. You’re modeling for your children that strong people take responsibility, that mature people try to understand different viewpoints, and that conflict can actually bring people closer together rather than drive them apart.

The Long-Term Payoff

When you consistently use this three-step process in your home, you’re teaching your children skills that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. They’re learning how to recognize their own emotional states and take action before things escalate out of control. They’re developing a toolkit of coping strategies that will serve them in countless stressful situations, far beyond family disagreements.

They’re learning accountability and self-reflection—that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes and that taking responsibility for your actions is a strength, not a weakness. They’re cultivating empathy and the ability to see situations from multiple perspectives, which will make them better friends, partners, coworkers, and eventually parents themselves.

Perhaps most importantly, they’re learning that conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. It can be an opportunity for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger relationships. They’re learning that you can disagree with someone and still love them, still respect them, still be on their team.

 

Start Practicing Healthy Conflict Today

If this process feels overwhelming, remember: you don’t have to be perfect at it. The goal isn’t to never have messy conflicts again. The goal is to introduce a better way forward and practice it together as a family.

Start by having a calm conversation with your kids about this new approach when everyone is in a good mood—not in the middle of a conflict. Explain the pause concept and get everyone’s input on how long breaks should be. Brainstorm coping strategies together. Make it a team effort.

The next time conflict arises (and it will), you’ll have a plan. It might feel awkward at first. Someone might forget to press pause and things might still escalate. That’s okay. Circle back, talk about what happened, and try again next time.

With practice and consistency, healthy conflict can become your family’s norm rather than the exception. And that’s a gift that will keep giving throughout your children’s lives, long after they’ve left your home and built families and relationships of their own.

By Susan Caso, MA, LPC, author of The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships. This article was originally published at Parenting Teens & Tweens: How to Have Healthy Conflicts When Your Family Disagrees.

teen and mom sitting on couch looking at each other

The Most Important Life Skill to Teach Teens Is Empathy

/in /by

teen and mom sitting on couch looking at each other

Written by 

Empathy is the foundation of meaningful, healthy relationships. It’s more than simply being nice or polite—it’s the internal drive to truly understand and care about another person’s experience. At its core, empathy says: I see you. I care about how you’re feeling. I want to help. And when we act on that care, we create deeper bonds, mutual respect, and emotional security.

Empathy is not just a personal or family skill: it’s a professional one with real impact in the workplace. Incorporating empathy into your workplace can have significant benefits, including improved collaboration and communication with teams, creating a safe and open environment to discuss problems, issues, and concerns.  This fosters better workplace relationships resulting in greater employee satisfaction, higher retention, and a more positive work environment.

Beyond strengthening relationships at work, practicing empathy encourages personal growth by keeping individuals open to feedback and new perspectives. In every setting — whether at home or in a career — empathy is a powerful force for connection, problem-solving, and lasting success.

Yet despite being more connected than ever through technology, we’re growing more emotionally disconnected—especially our teens. Social media, texting, and screens have replaced real-time, face-to-face conversations. And for teens, who are still developing critical social and emotional skills, this shift comes at a cost.

Why Parents Need to Focus on Developing Empathy in Teens

Empathy is the invisible thread that creates trust and closeness. When someone expresses pain or stress and is met with genuine empathy, such as “That must be so hard. I’m sorry you had such a rough day. Let me know what I can do for you”, the emotional impact is enormous. That simple act says: I see you. I hear you. I care. It fosters a sense of togetherness and belonging—something we all deeply crave. That kind of connection makes us feel safe, seen, and supported.

When communication happens mostly through a screen, teens miss out on learning the subtle emotional cues that come with in-person interactions. They don’t get to read body language, hear vocal tone changes, or see a facial expression shift. These small but important cues are essential to understanding how others feel and building the capacity for empathy. They also help develop team-building and leadership skills. (You may also like to read: 8 Tips to Help Your Teen Communicate More Effectively in Today’s Digital World)

Empathy is not automatic. It’s a skill, a practice, a choice. We must teach teens how to understand and care about others. And like any skill, empathy grows through use and weakens through neglect. Some individuals may naturally lean toward being more empathetic, but everyone, regardless of their natural disposition, needs to practice it to maintain and strengthen it.

Empathy is not just a nice trait to have—it’s an essential life skill. It helps a teen respond when a friend is going through something painful, repair conflict or misunderstandings in a friendship, feel connected to their family, and build healthy relationships for life.

Why developing empathy in teens can be challenging

Adolescents are at a stage where identity, belonging, and social connection are front and center in their lives. Their self-worth is heavily influenced by how they are perceived by others. When their world is dominated by screen-based communication, it becomes easier to misread others or assume the worst. Empathy gives teens the ability to pause, consider another perspective, and build connections rooted in compassion rather than conflict, but if they don’t see it with their own eyes, they may not be able to incorporate it.

Think about this in a real-life context: When a teen comes home exhausted from school, overwhelmed by social pressure, and burdened by assignments, a parent’s empathetic response—“You’ve had a rough day, I can see it. Is there something I can do to help?”—can completely shift the atmosphere. That small moment of recognition is powerful. It teaches the teen: You matter. Your emotions are valid. You’re not alone.

3 Tips to Teach Teens Empathy

1. Model it by offering it to your teen

When a child experiences empathy from a parent, they are not only comforted in the moment — they are also learning what empathy feels like and how to offer it to others. A parent’s ability to listen, validate, and understand teaches a child that emotions are safe to express and worthy of care. Over time, this lived experience becomes the foundation for the child’s own capacity to empathize with friends, siblings, future relationships, and yes, their own parents. Empathy, when received, becomes empathy that can be given — shaping the way a child connects with the world.

Developing empathy in teens doesn’t require grand lessons — it happens in the small, consistent ways parents engage with their children every day. Whether it’s taking a moment to really listen when your child shares a worry, asking thoughtful questions about their feelings at dinner, or sitting with them when they’re upset without rushing to fix things, these moments model what empathy looks and feels like. When parents slow down, tune in, and show understanding, they are not only meeting their child’s emotional needs but also teaching the child how to do the same for others.

2. Talk about feelings openly and honestly

Sharing feelings is a must to learn the skill of empathizing with someone else’s position. For parents to truly teach the skill of empathy, they must first be comfortable acknowledging and talking about feelings themselves. Children learn how to understand and care about emotions by watching how their parents handle their own. When parents name their feelings — whether it’s stress, joy, frustration, or sadness — and talk openly about them, they create a safe space where emotions are normal and worth discussing. This openness helps children recognize and name their own feelings, an essential step in developing empathy for others. Teaching empathy begins with modeling emotional awareness; when parents are willing to engage in honest, feeling-based conversations, they give their children permission to do the same, laying the groundwork for deeper connection and understanding in all relationships. (Editor’s note: A great book to understand your emotions better is Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown.)

3. Let your teen experience different life perspectives than your own

Empathy grows when children are given opportunities to step outside their own world and experience life from different perspectives. Activities like volunteering, spending time with people from diverse backgrounds, travelling with your teen to different areas, or hearing stories that reflect different life experiences all help expand an adolescent’s understanding of others. These experiences teach kids that not everyone thinks, feels, or lives the way they do — and that every person’s story matters. The more teenagers are exposed to people and situations outside their familiar circle, the more naturally they develop the ability to imagine and care about what someone else might be feeling.

There Is Always an Opportunity to Build Empathy

The good news is that empathy isn’t something we either have or don’t have— it’s a skill that can be nurtured, modeled and practiced everyday at home.  Parents have daily opportunities for developing empathy in teens by naming their own feelings, listening with care, and guiding their children to consider other perspectives. These small but powerful moments — from sharing emotions at the dinner table to offering understanding during everyday frustrations — lay the groundwork for empathy to take root. With patience, intention, and real-life experiences that expand a child’s view of the world, parents help raise thoughtful, compassionate individuals who are prepared to build meaningful, connected relationships in every part of life. Empathy is a lifelong practice — and it begins at home.

teen looking at parent

Focus on Offering Emotional Safety During the Teen Years

/in , , /by

teen looking at parent

Written by Susan Caso

As a therapist and a parent of three, I’ve spent more than 20 years helping families navigate the emotional complexities of raising teenagers. One thing has become undeniably clear: adolescence today is far more demanding than it was a generation ago.

Teens are growing up in a pressure cooker of academic expectations, rigorous sports, overscheduled lives, and an always-on digital world. Social media provides adolescents with a constant stream of curated images and comparisons that erode self-worth. Meanwhile, rates of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation continue to rise. Beneath it all, teenagers are doing the hard work of identity formation—asking, Who am I? and Do I belong?

In this landscape, what young people need most from home is not more pressure to perform—or even to open up in ways that feel risky. What they need is emotional safety: a foundation of trust and connection that makes self-expression feel not just possible, but natural.

The Vulnerability Trap

The prevailing wisdom today suggests that vulnerability is the key to intimacy and closeness. Social media influencers, therapists, and bestsellers all praise the power of being open, raw, and exposed. And yes, there’s value in that. But for teenagers—who are already navigating fragile self-esteem and complex emotions—the push to “be vulnerable” can sometimes backfire.

That’s because vulnerability implies risk. For teens, sharing something personal with a parent might feel like walking a tightrope: Will I be judged? Will I disappoint them? Will I be misunderstood? When we frame emotional sharing as inherently risky, we may unintentionally discourage it.

Instead of emphasizing vulnerability, I believe we should promote emotional transparency.

What Is Emotional Transparency?

Emotional transparency is grounded in trust, not risk. It’s the ability to express what’s happening inside—your thoughts, feelings, fears, needs, and hopes—without bracing for impact. In a transparent relationship, teens don’t worry they’ll be met with judgment or dismissal. They know they’ll be met with empathy and curiosity.

Transparency allows for emotional honesty without emotional exposure. It doesn’t ask teens to be brave—it helps them feel safe enough not to need to be.

How to Build an Emotional Transparent Relationship

Creating this kind of emotional climate at home with your adolescent children doesn’t require dramatic conversations or constant confessions. It’s about shaping an environment where teens feel accepted as they are—where no part of them needs to be hidden. It starts with the everyday tone of your relationship. Teens need to feel that their inner world is welcome, not just tolerated but met with curiosity and care.

Here’s how parents can create that foundation:

  • Listen without interrupting or correcting. Let your teen finish their thoughts before responding, even if it’s hard to hear or you disagree. (Read: The Best Way To Have An Actual Conversation With Your Teen)
  • Validate their emotions. You don’t have to fully understand their perspective to affirm that their feelings are real and valid.
  • Avoid knee-jerk problem-solving. Like all of us, teens want to be heard, not fixed.
  • Model openness. Share your own thoughts and feelings in age-appropriate ways to normalize emotional honesty.
  • Welcome difficult topics. Stay calm and grounded, even when the conversation is uncomfortable or unexpected. (Read: This is What I Share with My Teenagers About My Wild High School Years)
  • Create a sense of belonging at home. Make your teen feel seen, valued, and accepted—not just for what they do, but for who they are.
  • Focus on the relationship. Nurture connection over correction. Let your daily interactions reflect that the relationship matters more than any task or disagreement.

When teens experience this kind of safety consistently, trust builds. That trust leads to openness, which leads to emotional closeness. And that closeness becomes a protective buffer against life’s many challenges.

The “Volley” That Builds Connection with Your Teen

Think back to when your child was an infant. You bonded through a series of simple, responsive interactions: they cried, you soothed; they reached out, you held them. That responsive rhythm made them feel safe.

Teenagers need that same rhythm—just in a new form. I call it “volleying.” Your teen serves up a thought, a feeling, a hesitation—and you respond with listening and acknowledgement of their position. They test the waters with something uncomfortable—and you show you can return with a calm presence. This back-and-forth creates emotional safety. Over time, what once felt vulnerable becomes routine. Sharing becomes a well-worn path, not a leap of faith.

Transitioning from Vulnerability to Emotion Transparency

Ultimately, emotional safety is not about urging teens to be brave enough to reveal themselves. It’s about cultivating a relationship where they no longer have to be. When home feels like a place where nothing is too much, too hard, or too wrong to talk about, teens don’t retreat—they lean in.

That doesn’t mean every emotion must be expressed or every problem disclosed. But it does mean your teen knows: There’s nothing I can’t say here. There’s nothing that will make you love me less.

And that’s what makes the difference—not just in the moment, but for life.

If we want to raise emotionally healthy and resilient teens, it may be time to reconsider the objective. The aim isn’t to coax vulnerability on demand—it’s to cultivate an environment where transparency feels natural. That means fostering a family culture in which authenticity is the norm and safety is a given.

So the next time your teenager hesitates to open up, ask yourself: Have I built the kind of space where honesty feels safe? Then, through calm words and consistent actions, show them you’re ready to listen—without judgment, without fixing. You’re present. You’re steady. And you can handle the hard stuff. Conversation, like trust, is a long game. Be prepared to return the serve.

Are we asking too much from our teens?

Under pressure: Are we asking too much from our teens?

/in , /by

I hear the word “pressure” often in my counseling sessions with teens and young adults.  They express feeling pressure related to academics, sports, and life direction.  What is causing this pressure? Are we asking too much?

Adolescence has always been a time of change and transitions. There’s a lot to figure out.  It’s a time of rapid discovery about self, sexuality, and growth – social, emotional, and physical. Getting comfortable with those changes can be hard. The teenage years have historically been met with the stress of dealing with friendships and the related peer pressure of sex, drugs, and alcohol. School, learning disabilities, and bullying have always been common obstacles. Navigating relationships with their parents and step parents leads to confusion and at times contention. That’s the baseline stress of adolescence.

Now, though, life seems much more stressful for teens. The change has been gradual, increasing with each passing year. If we really think about where we have ended up compared to even five years ago, it’s a major difference and our kids are feeling it. Standards for success in school, sports, and just about everything else seem to be reaching higher and higher levels. Teens and young adults feel pushed to do more. They feel overwhelmed by the demands they face and have little understanding of “how to deal.”  Most tell me they think it is just them who don’t know how to deal with all that is thrown at them. They talk of seeing others (primarily through social media) who seem to handle everything with ease. These comparisons can cause them to feel worse about not knowing how to handle it all themselves.

What happens as we ask them to perform at new levels in sports?

Let’s start by looking at sports performance and expectations. Sports were once extracurricular activities, meant to help kids experience something fun, exercise, join a team, feel a sense of belonging, and learn to work with others. Sports may still be all that, but the intention beyond participation is much more intense now.

Children are encouraged to specialize in specific sports very early on. They are encouraged to make that their main or only focus into high school. Practicing five times plus a week for 2-4 hours, sweating it out at additional conditioning practices, and showing up to perform at  multiple games per week is the average dedication required. Further, it’s not just a seasonal endeavor but a year-round commitment.

If teens ever need to take time off to study and miss a practice, they may get benched for a game – because they aren’t making their team a priority. Even tournaments are now scheduled on holidays as opposed to allowing for breaks to spend time with family and friends.

Parent conversations on the sidelines go something like this:  

“Are you getting your kid extra one-on-one training? Do they have a nutritionist? Do they have a conditioning program? What sports camps are they going to? Is your kid going to play in college? What colleges have you visited?”

These conversations escalate expectations of what “should be done.”

What about academics?

When it comes to academics, the early focus is on getting into a good college. They must get “good grades,” and that term’s meaning has changed. When just comparing what was considered a good GPA in the past, a 4.0, to now 4.5, it’s a big difference. I am hearing that a 4.0 will close the door to some opportunities.

Homework means at-home assignments in approximately 8 classes per day. Assuming 10 minutes (which is a low estimate) per class, that’s up to 2 hours a night or more. Some research suggests that homework increases engagement, yet can actually negatively affect students’ overall health.

“… students who did more hours of homework experienced greater behavioral engagement in school but also more academic stress, physical health problems, and lack of balance in their lives. And that’s in affluent districts. … It seems antithetical, but some research suggests that homework can actually hinder achievement and, in some cases, students’ overall health.” SOURCE: popsci.com

Imagine going to work all day and getting home after a lengthy workout or league game… then having to do 2-3 more hours of work. Every day. Further, they have less control over their schedule and environment than adults do. A typical day begins around 6:30 am, taking classes all day, dealing with many people who they wouldn’t necessarily choose to be around, in loud, crowded hallways, followed by sports or extracurricular practices, then studying till past 10 pm, sometimes midnight. Sounds stressful, doesn’t it?

Teens are told they need to take advanced courses and college level courses (AP or IB) in order to stand out. Piling on to the stress, they must test well on standardized tests, then fill out lengthy digital college applications and write numerous college essays. They may have tutors and college placement advisors, too.

Further, today’s teens are well aware of the high cost of any college, let alone a top-tier school. The premium price tags AND knowing the high cost of college simply adds more pressure. They’re often applying for scholarships and funding alongside admissions applications. Their first big decision comes along with a huge price tag. They must decide where to spend an average of $37,650 per year for four years – totaling $150,600.00. That’s approaching the price of a small home in middle America. Have we been teaching them to make decisions along the way?

Teens are expected to be “well rounded.”  This means they need to show other parts of their lives align with the high-pressure trajectory, too. In addition to sports, they are encouraged to become active members of clubs and to do volunteer work in their spare time. Basically, they’re building a high-stakes resume from a very early age.

Where is the pressure coming from?

The pressure can come from numerous places. 

Some parents’ are the driving force of the pressure to excel. They may mean well, believing the pressure will help their kids on their way to “success.” In practice, though, good grades seem to mean parents are happy while bad grades translate into unhappy parents, relationship strife, and even punishment.

Sometimes teens perceive the pressure from their parents or simply want to make them proud. If expectations are not clearly discussed, it leaves teens to make assumptions about their parents’ expectations. It seems logical to them that a harder class and better grades would bring more praise and make their parents proud. Kids also work hard believing it will lead to college scholarships to help alleviate financial stress.

Teens can feel external pressure from peers and others (of any age) on social media. Their own competitive nature can lead to perfectionism and self induced pressure.

How are they connecting with family to cultivate stability and belonging?

Time spent doing academics and team sports leaves little time for connecting with the family.

Kids get home from practices late and then head to their rooms to do homework until midnight.  When they do connect with their parents, it is largely about keeping them on track with academics, sports training, scheduling, and logistics.

There is no space for quality time together – relaxing, de-stressing, and cultivating that feeling of connectedness that is invaluable to the mental and physical wellbeing of us all. Teens  often spend more with coaches than with family.

Any down time is left to video games or mindless scrolling on social media, which provides a temporary dopamine hit and seems like a relaxing outlet – but time spent on social media can often lead to distress. Social media bombards teens with information and images that shake their uncertainty. Adolescence is already filled with change and transitions, and no one likes the feeling of uncertainty. It feels like there is no floor to stand on.

Social media also chips away at their time and attention. If they try to avoid it, they may worry about keeping up with their friendships. They develop FOMO – fear of missing out on something important.

Are their brains ready for the demand of this high standard?

We are asking teens to manage a lot at a young age. It feels like by the time they are Freshmen in high school we are requiring them to perform at the level of a college student. Recognizing that their brains and executive functioning skills are still developing,  we might be asking them to do more than they can do.

Somewhere it has gotten a little fuzzy of what they are capable of during adolescents.  And we keep piling on. Maybe we have lost sight of the developmental course for our kids. It is easy to see the developmental milestones and their capabilities when our kids are younger.  They smile, roll over at a certain age, eat solids, walk, have language abilities, and read at specific age ranges.  We know this and our pediatricians tell us if our kids are on target for these milestones. By the teenage years, we tend to lose sight of developmental milestones.

Maybe some teens are ready for the demands they face. There are guidelines for the course of development, but not everyone develops at exactly the same pace. Others start to feel like a failure at every turn. If they feel they just “can’t make the cut” or aren’t doing “enough,” they get down on themselves. Some continue to push themselves. Others give up, becoming unmotivated – resigning themselves because the bar is so high in every endeavor that  they just don’t see a way to get it all done. Their own achievements seem to lose value because there is always someone who is doing it better. Either way, their mental health suffers.

Are they equipped to Problem Solve their way out of the stress?

When the challenge is so great or the reach is too far, that’s when stress spills over into toxic unmanageable places, causing psychological distress.

The frontal lobes of teenage brains that house the executive functioning are still developing, as mentioned above.  Teens are being asked to organize, stay on task, plan, juggle multiple tasks, problem solve, and tolerate stress.  Yet executive  functioning of the brain isn’t completely developed until their early to mid twenties.  That’s like asking a young child to take over the carpool before they can even see over the dashboard, much less be of age to get a driving permit.

Stress to an adult feels very different than stress to an adolescent. They have more impulsive behaviors and greater susceptibility to stress than adults. This is because the brain’s region for reasoning matures later than the part that reacts to fear and anxiety. The amygdala operates in overdrive, with less input from the rational, problem-solving frontal lobe.

So, are we asking too much of our teens?

I am not sure many parents see how different the world is for teens today than when they were growing up. I think of stress in layers. Teens already have a baseline of stress, just by being a teenager. Each new stressor is added on top: highly competitive sports, high-stakes academics, increased school shootings, new technology (and social media, which brings increases in bullying incidents, lack of belonging, comparison pool of false perfection), changes in home life (often including divorce or contentious divorce), and social life (increasing disconnection at home or with peers).

Do we really need to add more stress at their age they can’t handle? We are pushing the limits of a developing brain. Asking them to deal with pressure in numerous areas of their lives when they don’t have the capacity or skills to deal and the emotional regulation abilities to deal with the level of stress the work brings.

The old adage, “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” means nothing to them, and frankly it doesn’t apply any longer. When kids hear this, it leads them to not feel understood. It indicates that they are alone, unsupported – it must be “just them” who doesn’t know how to get it all done. We need to spend more time teaching our kids how to manage the long list of To Do’s and the accompanying stress of life, rather than piling on more work and pressure.

To reduce the stress, we can focus on teaching them coping skills and offering unconditional support in their times of need. The following question sets can help prompt an assessment of their situation. ASK!

ACADEMICS:

  • Quantity of work: Are they overwhelmed with their load of classes and homework?
  • Challenge of work: Is it a healthy challenge or a stretch too far? Are they feeling pressured to take certain classes? Where is the pressure coming from? What would it look like if they didn’t feel so much pressure? Would they reduce their academic load or reduce the level of challenge?

EXTRACURRICULARS:

  • Pleasurable activities: What is their expectation of their extracurricular activities? Are they finding joy in their extracurricular activities?
  • Manageable schedule: Do they feel overscheduled? Are extracurriculars interfering with academics, family time, or sleep?
  • Time to rest: Are they tired? Teens need an average of 9 to 10 hours of sleep per night.

SUPPORT:

  • Coping skills: Do they know how to cope with pressures of achieving both with academics and extracurriculars?
  • Outside factors: Are there other environmental factors that are contributing to their stress (news, social media, home life, relationships)?
  • Available support: Ask, “How can I support you?” Simply listen to the answer without giving advice. Reassure them that you care and want to give support.
  • Mental health check-ins: Discussing mental health at home is one of the most important things you can do for your teen. These open and real conversations in itself can reduce stress. Teens knowing you understand how they feel, that you are there to listen and support them is comforting and reassuring.
  • Verified expectations: What do they think your expectations are of them? What expectations do they have of themselves?  Are the expectations healthy? Parents and teens alike may have internal narratives about what parents’ expectations are, but little communication to verify parents’ actual expectations. So be sure to ask.

When parents ask questions and model healthy behaviors themselves around managing stress, it helps kids learn to deal with life’s stressors before they leave home. Stress management is a critical life skill today.

True, a moderate amount of stress can actually be helpful. A healthy level of stress can keep us alert, heighten our memory, and motivate us to achieve higher levels of performance. But too much stress can lead to poor mental health. So talk to them about what may be impacting their stress levels. Teach them balance. Share ways to cope and “dial down” stress. Simply being there to listen is the best support parents can provide for their kids.

take a break fro social media

Social Media Part 7: Wrap up: What Can We Do?

/in , /by

During the pandemic, we have all realized the need for face to face connection and how a lack of can take a toll on our mental health. Connection has shown to be the color in our lives. We need it!

Our phones have turned into our companions. A constant in our lives we reach for when we are lonely, bored, seek entertainment, and even as a way to avoid engaging with others. As with any friend, we need to evaluate whether they are good for us. So when it comes to social media use, take inventory.

Take inventory of what you expose yourself to on social media and how you think it impacts you. Ask yourself; Do I spend more time living in someone else’s world instead of my own? Who am I caught up following and why? Is my time spent comparing myself to others? Is my need for belonging being satisfied or taking a hit? Is my curiosity running my use causing me to spend endless hours surfing? What is the voice inside my head saying after use? AND how does it leave me feeling?

For parents:

It is harder than ever to be a teen and young adult. The world is full of chaos and noise right now. It is difficult to maneuver through the noise and just be a teen.

The bar is set so high in all aspects of their life. Making it feel like they have to compete at such a high level. It’s not a 4.0 anymore, it’s a 4.4. It’s not just being a good student, it’s, are you well rounded? Do you have internships and volunteer positions? Are you doing it all? The pressure is insurmountable. The bar is somewhere in clouds never able to really know where it is and when you’ve reached it. We think social media is a way to unwind or have down time. But it’s just another place where they see they aren’t measuring up, not reaching the bar.

If you are a parent, talk with your young adult about pressures and tendencies to compare themselves to others. Let them know they don’t have to partake in the race to the unknown finish line.

Talk with them about increases of anxiety, depression, and loneliness that can come from social media use. And that when we are down, we tend to isolate and social media use tends to increase. This upturn in use during difficult times can cause one to feel worse. A downward spiral that can be hard to recover from.

Help them instead of punishing them.

Help them filter their feed, finding positive things to look at instead of things that make them feel bad.

Don’t minimize their need to connect with their friends but help them find ways they can connect in person. Talk with them about using it to build upon their relationships not be the only avenue for their relationships.

Weekly I will ask my clients to take a break from social media for a day or two. Just to see how they feel. Without fail they tell me they feel better, more free, less anxious, less down, and engaged in more pleasurable activities. They report feeling better about themselves. Talk with your young adult about taking a day away from social media.

Actually, we should all give it a try!

Please read the other blogs in this series:

bullying

Social Media Part 6: Bullying

/in , /by

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

This is the biggest BS I’ve ever heard. For some reason, we should only hurt when someone has physically injured us, not when someone says something painful about us or to us.

Teasing, taunting, and bullying have been around forever. And unfortunately, it’s not surprising that bullying happens over social media. According to the I-Safe Foundation, “Over half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online, and about the same number have engaged in cyberbullying.” And, “about half that are bullied, don’t tell their parents what’s going on.”

Why is cyberbullying rampant?

Social media is an environment where tearing someone else down is so much easier than in person. There are less inhibitions to say and do things that hurt other people because it’s not a face-to-face interaction. It’s a place where the vulnerable are more accessible.

Cyberbullying is possible with just a few clicks. Posting an embarrassing photo or saying hurtful things can be done with ease. We can fall prey to it and not give it a second thought when the person isn’t in front of us.

Why is bullying more harmful online? It can feel like there’s no escape when someone is bullying you online. Before when you were bullied, you could escape the person, walk away, or the school day ended. Now the bully can persist even after you walk away. It can go on 24/7.

Before social media when a bullying event happened, others may have seen it. But now, hurtful words, rumors, and embarrassing photos can be posted. They can remain for days before taken down or even permanently posted. The embarrassment and shame can linger.

What is the psychology behind someone bullying?

We know that bullies can be insecure individuals that are also hurting in some way themselves. They can have something going on in their own lives they’re having trouble dealing with. Problems at home, being bullied by someone else, low self-esteem, or a need to exert control or power because they feel powerless in some way. They prey on individuals that most likely won’t fight back and are less secure with themselves. This enables the bully to feel superior and feeds their need for control.

Bullies may not seem like sensitive individuals, but they are. We’re all sensitive. Accessing and expressing our feelings and sensitivity can be learned. A safe environment is necessary and is something a bully may not have.

I see individuals with tough exteriors. My curiosity helps me connect with my clients. The safe place I establish allows them to let their guard down. And then the floodgates open. It never fails… even those who bully. Anger is a defense mechanism. Bullying others is a way to push off something that is wrong inside of them and push it onto someone else.

Not all bullies intend to bully. Some just go along even though it wasn’t their idea or intention to bully someone else. They may feel they will be rejected by their current group of friends if they don’t partake in the kindless act. They fear if they speak up and don’t join in they may be excluded from the group. OR they may be next in line. Either way their belonging becomes at risk.

For those who intend to bully, belonging can be a catalyst. It can be a way to exert power in an effort to be known in a particular group and be popular.

Some are compelled to comment when no comment was asked. They feel others must know their opinion when it wasn’t solicited. If the comment or opinion is positive or supportive, then great. How nice to put something out there in cyber space and get back some kudos. But when the tone of the comment is negative, it can cause the same result as bullying behavior, the feeling of ‘I don’t belong.’

Whether it is bullying or a few unkind words said in cyberspace, it can be painful for the person on the receiving end. It can have a lasting negative impact. When interacting with others on social media, always ask yourself before posting: is this necessary, kind, or helpful?

If you’re a parent, talk to your kids about bullying even if you don’t suspect it’s happening. Give them examples of what bullying can look like and let them know you are there to listen and help. And if they are being bullied or dealing with unkindness over the internet, don’t minimize the impact it can have on their mental wellbeing.

Please read the other blogs in this series:

curiosity

Social Media Part 5: Curiosity

/in , /by

Social media feeds into our human natural tendency to be curious. We need curiosity; it helps us learn new things and serves as a vehicle for growth. But curiosity with regard to social media can be like falling into a large black hole we can’t get out of. The ease and immediacy lures us in and it’s so hard to turn off.

We then rely on something else to squash our natural sense of curiosity to get out of the hole: willpower. Willpower to withstand the immediacy of our curiosity and the reward of our addiction. But the thing we’re addicted to is in our pocket or handbag all day, every day! Can you imagine trying to quit smoking while carrying a pack of cigarettes in your pocket?

Let’s look at breakups. You have to work so hard to move past a breakup nowadays. Breakups no longer mean you just stop talking to the person. Now, you have to delete them from every form of your social media. You have to make sure you can’t see them from someone else’s social media feed. You need a tremendous amount of willpower. And if your curiosity is in play, which it always is, you may NOT delete them from your social media which means you end up watching them not be sad about the breakup–or so it may seem. You see them out and about, laughing, having fun, and hanging out with a new potential girlfriend / boyfriend. I use the word potential because every person you see them with is someone they are interested in in your mind. It is a minefield for your thoughts.

Break ups used to be hard, but now can be tortuous. You used to still see your ex at school or a party or social gathering. You would see them talking to someone else, checking to see facial expressions and body language, gathering clues to decipher if they were interested in them. Now you can see them 24/7. Trying to crack the code of what is going on for them; do they miss me? Are they happy we broke up? Are they interested in someone else? Are they sad without me? It leaves our mind to roam endlessly.

Think about whether it’s in your best interest to delete your ex from your social media. Not to be spiteful, but to save yourself from mental anguish.

Break ups are just one example where our curiosity is at play, making it difficult to manage our social media use which can negatively impact our mental wellbeing. Ask yourself, where else is my curiosity showing up that isn’t so helpful? Is my curiosity taking over, causing me to spend hours on social media? Could that time be spent pursuing something else I‘m curious about that would fulfill me in a better way?

Please read the other blogs in this series:

compare dispair

Social Media Part 4: Compare Despair

/in , /by

When I was growing up my mother would buy magazines. I remember looking at the images and wishing I looked like the women in the photos. Of course I didn’t realize how much it affected me at the time. It wasn’t until later I truly understood how those images contributed to how I felt about myself. They dictated how I should look and even told me how to get there with all the latest diet craze. It took a toll on how I viewed myself. It really impacted my eating, exercising regime, and dictated the voice in my head that continued to push for something I was not. It wreaked havoc on my self esteem and exploded my insecurities. I promised myself that if I had a daughter I would never buy magazines. I never wanted my daughter to think she had to look like someone else. I didn’t want her to think she had to be something other than herself. AND then the internet happened. It’s one big magazine plus so much more.

Now it’s not just an image or two that we are comparing ourselves to. It’s an endless stream of images. A door that is always open for you to see someone that doesn’t look like you.

And it’s not just an image, it’s more. Social media allows us to peer into other people’s lives. We aren’t just comparing how we look. We now compare our whole lives to someone else’s–in fact, lots of other people! Or so we think it is their whole life. It can leave us with feeling like our life is deficient in some way, that we are deficient… not good enough. The lens we use when we scroll through social media is that of “what I am not”. I don’t look like that, I don’t have that, I am not doing that, I am not doing enough. Questioning every part of ourselves, leaving us feeling we are doing life wrong.

Social media creates an illusion that everyone is living a perfect life: successful, seems to have it all together, has no struggles, and is an expert at life. This leaves the surfer feeling that something must be wrong with them. Not only do they not look the right way, but now it’s, ‘I don’t seem to know how to live life the right way. I must have it all wrong.’ And if we’ve got it all wrong, if our life isn’t following some sort of trajectory that social media dictates, we can feel we aren’t enough in some way. It’s a trap.

It’s hard to see that it isn’t reality. We are seeing a snapshot of someone. How do we know someone’s life from a series of photos? We don’t but for some reason we still believe we know them and how they are living life. And of course it must be better than how we are doing life. Perfect, of course.

I want to call Wikipedia and ask them to change the definition of perfect. Here is what I propose: Perfect: for humans, an impossibility, an unachievable state. An illusion some feel others have achieved. Trying to achieve it or holding belief that it is possible will cause pain and likely create another issue or multiple issues. The remedy: transparency by all to distill the illusion and squash the feelings of vulnerability in disclosing non perfectiness.

If there are other areas in your life where you feel you are being compared to others, it can compound these ideals making it difficult to withstand the comparison trap.

Comparison robs us of our joy, taking us to a place where we feel less than. I know comparing is hard not to do. One thing to keep in mind that might be helpful: isn’t a person’s character what’s fundamentally important? And how do we know someone’s character from a series of photos? We don’t. So when you’re scrolling, remember you really don’t know their life. No one is posting the difficult moments they experience. No one is posting the mistakes they make.

A good mantra to remember is: I have enough, I do enough, I am enough. Remembering this while scrolling through social media is a good way to keep yourself grounded and less likely to compare yourself to others.

Please read the other blogs in this series: