The Most Important Life Skill to Teach Teens Is Empathy

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teen and mom sitting on couch looking at each other

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Empathy is the foundation of meaningful, healthy relationships. It’s more than simply being nice or polite—it’s the internal drive to truly understand and care about another person’s experience. At its core, empathy says: I see you. I care about how you’re feeling. I want to help. And when we act on that care, we create deeper bonds, mutual respect, and emotional security.

Empathy is not just a personal or family skill: it’s a professional one with real impact in the workplace. Incorporating empathy into your workplace can have significant benefits, including improved collaboration and communication with teams, creating a safe and open environment to discuss problems, issues, and concerns.  This fosters better workplace relationships resulting in greater employee satisfaction, higher retention, and a more positive work environment.

Beyond strengthening relationships at work, practicing empathy encourages personal growth by keeping individuals open to feedback and new perspectives. In every setting — whether at home or in a career — empathy is a powerful force for connection, problem-solving, and lasting success.

Yet despite being more connected than ever through technology, we’re growing more emotionally disconnected—especially our teens. Social media, texting, and screens have replaced real-time, face-to-face conversations. And for teens, who are still developing critical social and emotional skills, this shift comes at a cost.

Why Parents Need to Focus on Developing Empathy in Teens

Empathy is the invisible thread that creates trust and closeness. When someone expresses pain or stress and is met with genuine empathy, such as “That must be so hard. I’m sorry you had such a rough day. Let me know what I can do for you”, the emotional impact is enormous. That simple act says: I see you. I hear you. I care. It fosters a sense of togetherness and belonging—something we all deeply crave. That kind of connection makes us feel safe, seen, and supported.

When communication happens mostly through a screen, teens miss out on learning the subtle emotional cues that come with in-person interactions. They don’t get to read body language, hear vocal tone changes, or see a facial expression shift. These small but important cues are essential to understanding how others feel and building the capacity for empathy. They also help develop team-building and leadership skills. (You may also like to read: 8 Tips to Help Your Teen Communicate More Effectively in Today’s Digital World)

Empathy is not automatic. It’s a skill, a practice, a choice. We must teach teens how to understand and care about others. And like any skill, empathy grows through use and weakens through neglect. Some individuals may naturally lean toward being more empathetic, but everyone, regardless of their natural disposition, needs to practice it to maintain and strengthen it.

Empathy is not just a nice trait to have—it’s an essential life skill. It helps a teen respond when a friend is going through something painful, repair conflict or misunderstandings in a friendship, feel connected to their family, and build healthy relationships for life.

Why developing empathy in teens can be challenging

Adolescents are at a stage where identity, belonging, and social connection are front and center in their lives. Their self-worth is heavily influenced by how they are perceived by others. When their world is dominated by screen-based communication, it becomes easier to misread others or assume the worst. Empathy gives teens the ability to pause, consider another perspective, and build connections rooted in compassion rather than conflict, but if they don’t see it with their own eyes, they may not be able to incorporate it.

Think about this in a real-life context: When a teen comes home exhausted from school, overwhelmed by social pressure, and burdened by assignments, a parent’s empathetic response—“You’ve had a rough day, I can see it. Is there something I can do to help?”—can completely shift the atmosphere. That small moment of recognition is powerful. It teaches the teen: You matter. Your emotions are valid. You’re not alone.

3 Tips to Teach Teens Empathy

1. Model it by offering it to your teen

When a child experiences empathy from a parent, they are not only comforted in the moment — they are also learning what empathy feels like and how to offer it to others. A parent’s ability to listen, validate, and understand teaches a child that emotions are safe to express and worthy of care. Over time, this lived experience becomes the foundation for the child’s own capacity to empathize with friends, siblings, future relationships, and yes, their own parents. Empathy, when received, becomes empathy that can be given — shaping the way a child connects with the world.

Developing empathy in teens doesn’t require grand lessons — it happens in the small, consistent ways parents engage with their children every day. Whether it’s taking a moment to really listen when your child shares a worry, asking thoughtful questions about their feelings at dinner, or sitting with them when they’re upset without rushing to fix things, these moments model what empathy looks and feels like. When parents slow down, tune in, and show understanding, they are not only meeting their child’s emotional needs but also teaching the child how to do the same for others.

2. Talk about feelings openly and honestly

Sharing feelings is a must to learn the skill of empathizing with someone else’s position. For parents to truly teach the skill of empathy, they must first be comfortable acknowledging and talking about feelings themselves. Children learn how to understand and care about emotions by watching how their parents handle their own. When parents name their feelings — whether it’s stress, joy, frustration, or sadness — and talk openly about them, they create a safe space where emotions are normal and worth discussing. This openness helps children recognize and name their own feelings, an essential step in developing empathy for others. Teaching empathy begins with modeling emotional awareness; when parents are willing to engage in honest, feeling-based conversations, they give their children permission to do the same, laying the groundwork for deeper connection and understanding in all relationships. (Editor’s note: A great book to understand your emotions better is Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown.)

3. Let your teen experience different life perspectives than your own

Empathy grows when children are given opportunities to step outside their own world and experience life from different perspectives. Activities like volunteering, spending time with people from diverse backgrounds, travelling with your teen to different areas, or hearing stories that reflect different life experiences all help expand an adolescent’s understanding of others. These experiences teach kids that not everyone thinks, feels, or lives the way they do — and that every person’s story matters. The more teenagers are exposed to people and situations outside their familiar circle, the more naturally they develop the ability to imagine and care about what someone else might be feeling.

There Is Always an Opportunity to Build Empathy

The good news is that empathy isn’t something we either have or don’t have— it’s a skill that can be nurtured, modeled and practiced everyday at home.  Parents have daily opportunities for developing empathy in teens by naming their own feelings, listening with care, and guiding their children to consider other perspectives. These small but powerful moments — from sharing emotions at the dinner table to offering understanding during everyday frustrations — lay the groundwork for empathy to take root. With patience, intention, and real-life experiences that expand a child’s view of the world, parents help raise thoughtful, compassionate individuals who are prepared to build meaningful, connected relationships in every part of life. Empathy is a lifelong practice — and it begins at home.

Focus on Offering Emotional Safety During the Teen Years

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teen looking at parent

Written by Susan Caso

As a therapist and a parent of three, I’ve spent more than 20 years helping families navigate the emotional complexities of raising teenagers. One thing has become undeniably clear: adolescence today is far more demanding than it was a generation ago.

Teens are growing up in a pressure cooker of academic expectations, rigorous sports, overscheduled lives, and an always-on digital world. Social media provides adolescents with a constant stream of curated images and comparisons that erode self-worth. Meanwhile, rates of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation continue to rise. Beneath it all, teenagers are doing the hard work of identity formation—asking, Who am I? and Do I belong?

In this landscape, what young people need most from home is not more pressure to perform—or even to open up in ways that feel risky. What they need is emotional safety: a foundation of trust and connection that makes self-expression feel not just possible, but natural.

The Vulnerability Trap

The prevailing wisdom today suggests that vulnerability is the key to intimacy and closeness. Social media influencers, therapists, and bestsellers all praise the power of being open, raw, and exposed. And yes, there’s value in that. But for teenagers—who are already navigating fragile self-esteem and complex emotions—the push to “be vulnerable” can sometimes backfire.

That’s because vulnerability implies risk. For teens, sharing something personal with a parent might feel like walking a tightrope: Will I be judged? Will I disappoint them? Will I be misunderstood? When we frame emotional sharing as inherently risky, we may unintentionally discourage it.

Instead of emphasizing vulnerability, I believe we should promote emotional transparency.

What Is Emotional Transparency?

Emotional transparency is grounded in trust, not risk. It’s the ability to express what’s happening inside—your thoughts, feelings, fears, needs, and hopes—without bracing for impact. In a transparent relationship, teens don’t worry they’ll be met with judgment or dismissal. They know they’ll be met with empathy and curiosity.

Transparency allows for emotional honesty without emotional exposure. It doesn’t ask teens to be brave—it helps them feel safe enough not to need to be.

How to Build an Emotional Transparent Relationship

Creating this kind of emotional climate at home with your adolescent children doesn’t require dramatic conversations or constant confessions. It’s about shaping an environment where teens feel accepted as they are—where no part of them needs to be hidden. It starts with the everyday tone of your relationship. Teens need to feel that their inner world is welcome, not just tolerated but met with curiosity and care.

Here’s how parents can create that foundation:

  • Listen without interrupting or correcting. Let your teen finish their thoughts before responding, even if it’s hard to hear or you disagree. (Read: The Best Way To Have An Actual Conversation With Your Teen)
  • Validate their emotions. You don’t have to fully understand their perspective to affirm that their feelings are real and valid.
  • Avoid knee-jerk problem-solving. Like all of us, teens want to be heard, not fixed.
  • Model openness. Share your own thoughts and feelings in age-appropriate ways to normalize emotional honesty.
  • Welcome difficult topics. Stay calm and grounded, even when the conversation is uncomfortable or unexpected. (Read: This is What I Share with My Teenagers About My Wild High School Years)
  • Create a sense of belonging at home. Make your teen feel seen, valued, and accepted—not just for what they do, but for who they are.
  • Focus on the relationship. Nurture connection over correction. Let your daily interactions reflect that the relationship matters more than any task or disagreement.

When teens experience this kind of safety consistently, trust builds. That trust leads to openness, which leads to emotional closeness. And that closeness becomes a protective buffer against life’s many challenges.

The “Volley” That Builds Connection with Your Teen

Think back to when your child was an infant. You bonded through a series of simple, responsive interactions: they cried, you soothed; they reached out, you held them. That responsive rhythm made them feel safe.

Teenagers need that same rhythm—just in a new form. I call it “volleying.” Your teen serves up a thought, a feeling, a hesitation—and you respond with listening and acknowledgement of their position. They test the waters with something uncomfortable—and you show you can return with a calm presence. This back-and-forth creates emotional safety. Over time, what once felt vulnerable becomes routine. Sharing becomes a well-worn path, not a leap of faith.

Transitioning from Vulnerability to Emotion Transparency

Ultimately, emotional safety is not about urging teens to be brave enough to reveal themselves. It’s about cultivating a relationship where they no longer have to be. When home feels like a place where nothing is too much, too hard, or too wrong to talk about, teens don’t retreat—they lean in.

That doesn’t mean every emotion must be expressed or every problem disclosed. But it does mean your teen knows: There’s nothing I can’t say here. There’s nothing that will make you love me less.

And that’s what makes the difference—not just in the moment, but for life.

If we want to raise emotionally healthy and resilient teens, it may be time to reconsider the objective. The aim isn’t to coax vulnerability on demand—it’s to cultivate an environment where transparency feels natural. That means fostering a family culture in which authenticity is the norm and safety is a given.

So the next time your teenager hesitates to open up, ask yourself: Have I built the kind of space where honesty feels safe? Then, through calm words and consistent actions, show them you’re ready to listen—without judgment, without fixing. You’re present. You’re steady. And you can handle the hard stuff. Conversation, like trust, is a long game. Be prepared to return the serve.

Are we asking too much from our teens?

Under pressure: Are we asking too much from our teens?

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I hear the word “pressure” often in my counseling sessions with teens and young adults.  They express feeling pressure related to academics, sports, and life direction.  What is causing this pressure? Are we asking too much?

Adolescence has always been a time of change and transitions. There’s a lot to figure out.  It’s a time of rapid discovery about self, sexuality, and growth – social, emotional, and physical. Getting comfortable with those changes can be hard. The teenage years have historically been met with the stress of dealing with friendships and the related peer pressure of sex, drugs, and alcohol. School, learning disabilities, and bullying have always been common obstacles. Navigating relationships with their parents and step parents leads to confusion and at times contention. That’s the baseline stress of adolescence.

Now, though, life seems much more stressful for teens. The change has been gradual, increasing with each passing year. If we really think about where we have ended up compared to even five years ago, it’s a major difference and our kids are feeling it. Standards for success in school, sports, and just about everything else seem to be reaching higher and higher levels. Teens and young adults feel pushed to do more. They feel overwhelmed by the demands they face and have little understanding of “how to deal.”  Most tell me they think it is just them who don’t know how to deal with all that is thrown at them. They talk of seeing others (primarily through social media) who seem to handle everything with ease. These comparisons can cause them to feel worse about not knowing how to handle it all themselves.

What happens as we ask them to perform at new levels in sports?

Let’s start by looking at sports performance and expectations. Sports were once extracurricular activities, meant to help kids experience something fun, exercise, join a team, feel a sense of belonging, and learn to work with others. Sports may still be all that, but the intention beyond participation is much more intense now.

Children are encouraged to specialize in specific sports very early on. They are encouraged to make that their main or only focus into high school. Practicing five times plus a week for 2-4 hours, sweating it out at additional conditioning practices, and showing up to perform at  multiple games per week is the average dedication required. Further, it’s not just a seasonal endeavor but a year-round commitment.

If teens ever need to take time off to study and miss a practice, they may get benched for a game – because they aren’t making their team a priority. Even tournaments are now scheduled on holidays as opposed to allowing for breaks to spend time with family and friends.

Parent conversations on the sidelines go something like this:  

“Are you getting your kid extra one-on-one training? Do they have a nutritionist? Do they have a conditioning program? What sports camps are they going to? Is your kid going to play in college? What colleges have you visited?”

These conversations escalate expectations of what “should be done.”

What about academics?

When it comes to academics, the early focus is on getting into a good college. They must get “good grades,” and that term’s meaning has changed. When just comparing what was considered a good GPA in the past, a 4.0, to now 4.5, it’s a big difference. I am hearing that a 4.0 will close the door to some opportunities.

Homework means at-home assignments in approximately 8 classes per day. Assuming 10 minutes (which is a low estimate) per class, that’s up to 2 hours a night or more. Some research suggests that homework increases engagement, yet can actually negatively affect students’ overall health.

“… students who did more hours of homework experienced greater behavioral engagement in school but also more academic stress, physical health problems, and lack of balance in their lives. And that’s in affluent districts. … It seems antithetical, but some research suggests that homework can actually hinder achievement and, in some cases, students’ overall health.” SOURCE: popsci.com

Imagine going to work all day and getting home after a lengthy workout or league game… then having to do 2-3 more hours of work. Every day. Further, they have less control over their schedule and environment than adults do. A typical day begins around 6:30 am, taking classes all day, dealing with many people who they wouldn’t necessarily choose to be around, in loud, crowded hallways, followed by sports or extracurricular practices, then studying till past 10 pm, sometimes midnight. Sounds stressful, doesn’t it?

Teens are told they need to take advanced courses and college level courses (AP or IB) in order to stand out. Piling on to the stress, they must test well on standardized tests, then fill out lengthy digital college applications and write numerous college essays. They may have tutors and college placement advisors, too.

Further, today’s teens are well aware of the high cost of any college, let alone a top-tier school. The premium price tags AND knowing the high cost of college simply adds more pressure. They’re often applying for scholarships and funding alongside admissions applications. Their first big decision comes along with a huge price tag. They must decide where to spend an average of $37,650 per year for four years – totaling $150,600.00. That’s approaching the price of a small home in middle America. Have we been teaching them to make decisions along the way?

Teens are expected to be “well rounded.”  This means they need to show other parts of their lives align with the high-pressure trajectory, too. In addition to sports, they are encouraged to become active members of clubs and to do volunteer work in their spare time. Basically, they’re building a high-stakes resume from a very early age.

Where is the pressure coming from?

The pressure can come from numerous places. 

Some parents’ are the driving force of the pressure to excel. They may mean well, believing the pressure will help their kids on their way to “success.” In practice, though, good grades seem to mean parents are happy while bad grades translate into unhappy parents, relationship strife, and even punishment.

Sometimes teens perceive the pressure from their parents or simply want to make them proud. If expectations are not clearly discussed, it leaves teens to make assumptions about their parents’ expectations. It seems logical to them that a harder class and better grades would bring more praise and make their parents proud. Kids also work hard believing it will lead to college scholarships to help alleviate financial stress.

Teens can feel external pressure from peers and others (of any age) on social media. Their own competitive nature can lead to perfectionism and self induced pressure.

How are they connecting with family to cultivate stability and belonging?

Time spent doing academics and team sports leaves little time for connecting with the family.

Kids get home from practices late and then head to their rooms to do homework until midnight.  When they do connect with their parents, it is largely about keeping them on track with academics, sports training, scheduling, and logistics.

There is no space for quality time together – relaxing, de-stressing, and cultivating that feeling of connectedness that is invaluable to the mental and physical wellbeing of us all. Teens  often spend more with coaches than with family.

Any down time is left to video games or mindless scrolling on social media, which provides a temporary dopamine hit and seems like a relaxing outlet – but time spent on social media can often lead to distress. Social media bombards teens with information and images that shake their uncertainty. Adolescence is already filled with change and transitions, and no one likes the feeling of uncertainty. It feels like there is no floor to stand on.

Social media also chips away at their time and attention. If they try to avoid it, they may worry about keeping up with their friendships. They develop FOMO – fear of missing out on something important.

Are their brains ready for the demand of this high standard?

We are asking teens to manage a lot at a young age. It feels like by the time they are Freshmen in high school we are requiring them to perform at the level of a college student. Recognizing that their brains and executive functioning skills are still developing,  we might be asking them to do more than they can do.

Somewhere it has gotten a little fuzzy of what they are capable of during adolescents.  And we keep piling on. Maybe we have lost sight of the developmental course for our kids. It is easy to see the developmental milestones and their capabilities when our kids are younger.  They smile, roll over at a certain age, eat solids, walk, have language abilities, and read at specific age ranges.  We know this and our pediatricians tell us if our kids are on target for these milestones. By the teenage years, we tend to lose sight of developmental milestones.

Maybe some teens are ready for the demands they face. There are guidelines for the course of development, but not everyone develops at exactly the same pace. Others start to feel like a failure at every turn. If they feel they just “can’t make the cut” or aren’t doing “enough,” they get down on themselves. Some continue to push themselves. Others give up, becoming unmotivated – resigning themselves because the bar is so high in every endeavor that  they just don’t see a way to get it all done. Their own achievements seem to lose value because there is always someone who is doing it better. Either way, their mental health suffers.

Are they equipped to Problem Solve their way out of the stress?

When the challenge is so great or the reach is too far, that’s when stress spills over into toxic unmanageable places, causing psychological distress.

The frontal lobes of teenage brains that house the executive functioning are still developing, as mentioned above.  Teens are being asked to organize, stay on task, plan, juggle multiple tasks, problem solve, and tolerate stress.  Yet executive  functioning of the brain isn’t completely developed until their early to mid twenties.  That’s like asking a young child to take over the carpool before they can even see over the dashboard, much less be of age to get a driving permit.

Stress to an adult feels very different than stress to an adolescent. They have more impulsive behaviors and greater susceptibility to stress than adults. This is because the brain’s region for reasoning matures later than the part that reacts to fear and anxiety. The amygdala operates in overdrive, with less input from the rational, problem-solving frontal lobe.

So, are we asking too much of our teens?

I am not sure many parents see how different the world is for teens today than when they were growing up. I think of stress in layers. Teens already have a baseline of stress, just by being a teenager. Each new stressor is added on top: highly competitive sports, high-stakes academics, increased school shootings, new technology (and social media, which brings increases in bullying incidents, lack of belonging, comparison pool of false perfection), changes in home life (often including divorce or contentious divorce), and social life (increasing disconnection at home or with peers).

Do we really need to add more stress at their age they can’t handle? We are pushing the limits of a developing brain. Asking them to deal with pressure in numerous areas of their lives when they don’t have the capacity or skills to deal and the emotional regulation abilities to deal with the level of stress the work brings.

The old adage, “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” means nothing to them, and frankly it doesn’t apply any longer. When kids hear this, it leads them to not feel understood. It indicates that they are alone, unsupported – it must be “just them” who doesn’t know how to get it all done. We need to spend more time teaching our kids how to manage the long list of To Do’s and the accompanying stress of life, rather than piling on more work and pressure.

To reduce the stress, we can focus on teaching them coping skills and offering unconditional support in their times of need. The following question sets can help prompt an assessment of their situation. ASK!

ACADEMICS:

  • Quantity of work: Are they overwhelmed with their load of classes and homework?
  • Challenge of work: Is it a healthy challenge or a stretch too far? Are they feeling pressured to take certain classes? Where is the pressure coming from? What would it look like if they didn’t feel so much pressure? Would they reduce their academic load or reduce the level of challenge?

EXTRACURRICULARS:

  • Pleasurable activities: What is their expectation of their extracurricular activities? Are they finding joy in their extracurricular activities?
  • Manageable schedule: Do they feel overscheduled? Are extracurriculars interfering with academics, family time, or sleep?
  • Time to rest: Are they tired? Teens need an average of 9 to 10 hours of sleep per night.

SUPPORT:

  • Coping skills: Do they know how to cope with pressures of achieving both with academics and extracurriculars?
  • Outside factors: Are there other environmental factors that are contributing to their stress (news, social media, home life, relationships)?
  • Available support: Ask, “How can I support you?” Simply listen to the answer without giving advice. Reassure them that you care and want to give support.
  • Mental health check-ins: Discussing mental health at home is one of the most important things you can do for your teen. These open and real conversations in itself can reduce stress. Teens knowing you understand how they feel, that you are there to listen and support them is comforting and reassuring.
  • Verified expectations: What do they think your expectations are of them? What expectations do they have of themselves?  Are the expectations healthy? Parents and teens alike may have internal narratives about what parents’ expectations are, but little communication to verify parents’ actual expectations. So be sure to ask.

When parents ask questions and model healthy behaviors themselves around managing stress, it helps kids learn to deal with life’s stressors before they leave home. Stress management is a critical life skill today.

True, a moderate amount of stress can actually be helpful. A healthy level of stress can keep us alert, heighten our memory, and motivate us to achieve higher levels of performance. But too much stress can lead to poor mental health. So talk to them about what may be impacting their stress levels. Teach them balance. Share ways to cope and “dial down” stress. Simply being there to listen is the best support parents can provide for their kids.

take a break fro social media

Social Media Part 7: Wrap up: What Can We Do?

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During the pandemic, we have all realized the need for face to face connection and how a lack of can take a toll on our mental health. Connection has shown to be the color in our lives. We need it!

Our phones have turned into our companions. A constant in our lives we reach for when we are lonely, bored, seek entertainment, and even as a way to avoid engaging with others. As with any friend, we need to evaluate whether they are good for us. So when it comes to social media use, take inventory.

Take inventory of what you expose yourself to on social media and how you think it impacts you. Ask yourself; Do I spend more time living in someone else’s world instead of my own? Who am I caught up following and why? Is my time spent comparing myself to others? Is my need for belonging being satisfied or taking a hit? Is my curiosity running my use causing me to spend endless hours surfing? What is the voice inside my head saying after use? AND how does it leave me feeling?

For parents:

It is harder than ever to be a teen and young adult. The world is full of chaos and noise right now. It is difficult to maneuver through the noise and just be a teen.

The bar is set so high in all aspects of their life. Making it feel like they have to compete at such a high level. It’s not a 4.0 anymore, it’s a 4.4. It’s not just being a good student, it’s, are you well rounded? Do you have internships and volunteer positions? Are you doing it all? The pressure is insurmountable. The bar is somewhere in clouds never able to really know where it is and when you’ve reached it. We think social media is a way to unwind or have down time. But it’s just another place where they see they aren’t measuring up, not reaching the bar.

If you are a parent, talk with your young adult about pressures and tendencies to compare themselves to others. Let them know they don’t have to partake in the race to the unknown finish line.

Talk with them about increases of anxiety, depression, and loneliness that can come from social media use. And that when we are down, we tend to isolate and social media use tends to increase. This upturn in use during difficult times can cause one to feel worse. A downward spiral that can be hard to recover from.

Help them instead of punishing them.

Help them filter their feed, finding positive things to look at instead of things that make them feel bad.

Don’t minimize their need to connect with their friends but help them find ways they can connect in person. Talk with them about using it to build upon their relationships not be the only avenue for their relationships.

Weekly I will ask my clients to take a break from social media for a day or two. Just to see how they feel. Without fail they tell me they feel better, more free, less anxious, less down, and engaged in more pleasurable activities. They report feeling better about themselves. Talk with your young adult about taking a day away from social media.

Actually, we should all give it a try!

Please read the other blogs in this series:

bullying

Social Media Part 6: Bullying

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“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”

This is the biggest BS I’ve ever heard. For some reason, we should only hurt when someone has physically injured us, not when someone says something painful about us or to us.

Teasing, taunting, and bullying have been around forever. And unfortunately, it’s not surprising that bullying happens over social media. According to the I-Safe Foundation, “Over half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online, and about the same number have engaged in cyberbullying.” And, “about half that are bullied, don’t tell their parents what’s going on.”

Why is cyberbullying rampant?

Social media is an environment where tearing someone else down is so much easier than in person. There are less inhibitions to say and do things that hurt other people because it’s not a face-to-face interaction. It’s a place where the vulnerable are more accessible.

Cyberbullying is possible with just a few clicks. Posting an embarrassing photo or saying hurtful things can be done with ease. We can fall prey to it and not give it a second thought when the person isn’t in front of us.

Why is bullying more harmful online? It can feel like there’s no escape when someone is bullying you online. Before when you were bullied, you could escape the person, walk away, or the school day ended. Now the bully can persist even after you walk away. It can go on 24/7.

Before social media when a bullying event happened, others may have seen it. But now, hurtful words, rumors, and embarrassing photos can be posted. They can remain for days before taken down or even permanently posted. The embarrassment and shame can linger.

What is the psychology behind someone bullying?

We know that bullies can be insecure individuals that are also hurting in some way themselves. They can have something going on in their own lives they’re having trouble dealing with. Problems at home, being bullied by someone else, low self-esteem, or a need to exert control or power because they feel powerless in some way. They prey on individuals that most likely won’t fight back and are less secure with themselves. This enables the bully to feel superior and feeds their need for control.

Bullies may not seem like sensitive individuals, but they are. We’re all sensitive. Accessing and expressing our feelings and sensitivity can be learned. A safe environment is necessary and is something a bully may not have.

I see individuals with tough exteriors. My curiosity helps me connect with my clients. The safe place I establish allows them to let their guard down. And then the floodgates open. It never fails… even those who bully. Anger is a defense mechanism. Bullying others is a way to push off something that is wrong inside of them and push it onto someone else.

Not all bullies intend to bully. Some just go along even though it wasn’t their idea or intention to bully someone else. They may feel they will be rejected by their current group of friends if they don’t partake in the kindless act. They fear if they speak up and don’t join in they may be excluded from the group. OR they may be next in line. Either way their belonging becomes at risk.

For those who intend to bully, belonging can be a catalyst. It can be a way to exert power in an effort to be known in a particular group and be popular.

Some are compelled to comment when no comment was asked. They feel others must know their opinion when it wasn’t solicited. If the comment or opinion is positive or supportive, then great. How nice to put something out there in cyber space and get back some kudos. But when the tone of the comment is negative, it can cause the same result as bullying behavior, the feeling of ‘I don’t belong.’

Whether it is bullying or a few unkind words said in cyberspace, it can be painful for the person on the receiving end. It can have a lasting negative impact. When interacting with others on social media, always ask yourself before posting: is this necessary, kind, or helpful?

If you’re a parent, talk to your kids about bullying even if you don’t suspect it’s happening. Give them examples of what bullying can look like and let them know you are there to listen and help. And if they are being bullied or dealing with unkindness over the internet, don’t minimize the impact it can have on their mental wellbeing.

Please read the other blogs in this series:

curiosity

Social Media Part 5: Curiosity

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Social media feeds into our human natural tendency to be curious. We need curiosity; it helps us learn new things and serves as a vehicle for growth. But curiosity with regard to social media can be like falling into a large black hole we can’t get out of. The ease and immediacy lures us in and it’s so hard to turn off.

We then rely on something else to squash our natural sense of curiosity to get out of the hole: willpower. Willpower to withstand the immediacy of our curiosity and the reward of our addiction. But the thing we’re addicted to is in our pocket or handbag all day, every day! Can you imagine trying to quit smoking while carrying a pack of cigarettes in your pocket?

Let’s look at breakups. You have to work so hard to move past a breakup nowadays. Breakups no longer mean you just stop talking to the person. Now, you have to delete them from every form of your social media. You have to make sure you can’t see them from someone else’s social media feed. You need a tremendous amount of willpower. And if your curiosity is in play, which it always is, you may NOT delete them from your social media which means you end up watching them not be sad about the breakup–or so it may seem. You see them out and about, laughing, having fun, and hanging out with a new potential girlfriend / boyfriend. I use the word potential because every person you see them with is someone they are interested in in your mind. It is a minefield for your thoughts.

Break ups used to be hard, but now can be tortuous. You used to still see your ex at school or a party or social gathering. You would see them talking to someone else, checking to see facial expressions and body language, gathering clues to decipher if they were interested in them. Now you can see them 24/7. Trying to crack the code of what is going on for them; do they miss me? Are they happy we broke up? Are they interested in someone else? Are they sad without me? It leaves our mind to roam endlessly.

Think about whether it’s in your best interest to delete your ex from your social media. Not to be spiteful, but to save yourself from mental anguish.

Break ups are just one example where our curiosity is at play, making it difficult to manage our social media use which can negatively impact our mental wellbeing. Ask yourself, where else is my curiosity showing up that isn’t so helpful? Is my curiosity taking over, causing me to spend hours on social media? Could that time be spent pursuing something else I‘m curious about that would fulfill me in a better way?

Please read the other blogs in this series:

compare dispair

Social Media Part 4: Compare Despair

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When I was growing up my mother would buy magazines. I remember looking at the images and wishing I looked like the women in the photos. Of course I didn’t realize how much it affected me at the time. It wasn’t until later I truly understood how those images contributed to how I felt about myself. They dictated how I should look and even told me how to get there with all the latest diet craze. It took a toll on how I viewed myself. It really impacted my eating, exercising regime, and dictated the voice in my head that continued to push for something I was not. It wreaked havoc on my self esteem and exploded my insecurities. I promised myself that if I had a daughter I would never buy magazines. I never wanted my daughter to think she had to look like someone else. I didn’t want her to think she had to be something other than herself. AND then the internet happened. It’s one big magazine plus so much more.

Now it’s not just an image or two that we are comparing ourselves to. It’s an endless stream of images. A door that is always open for you to see someone that doesn’t look like you.

And it’s not just an image, it’s more. Social media allows us to peer into other people’s lives. We aren’t just comparing how we look. We now compare our whole lives to someone else’s–in fact, lots of other people! Or so we think it is their whole life. It can leave us with feeling like our life is deficient in some way, that we are deficient… not good enough. The lens we use when we scroll through social media is that of “what I am not”. I don’t look like that, I don’t have that, I am not doing that, I am not doing enough. Questioning every part of ourselves, leaving us feeling we are doing life wrong.

Social media creates an illusion that everyone is living a perfect life: successful, seems to have it all together, has no struggles, and is an expert at life. This leaves the surfer feeling that something must be wrong with them. Not only do they not look the right way, but now it’s, ‘I don’t seem to know how to live life the right way. I must have it all wrong.’ And if we’ve got it all wrong, if our life isn’t following some sort of trajectory that social media dictates, we can feel we aren’t enough in some way. It’s a trap.

It’s hard to see that it isn’t reality. We are seeing a snapshot of someone. How do we know someone’s life from a series of photos? We don’t but for some reason we still believe we know them and how they are living life. And of course it must be better than how we are doing life. Perfect, of course.

I want to call Wikipedia and ask them to change the definition of perfect. Here is what I propose: Perfect: for humans, an impossibility, an unachievable state. An illusion some feel others have achieved. Trying to achieve it or holding belief that it is possible will cause pain and likely create another issue or multiple issues. The remedy: transparency by all to distill the illusion and squash the feelings of vulnerability in disclosing non perfectiness.

If there are other areas in your life where you feel you are being compared to others, it can compound these ideals making it difficult to withstand the comparison trap.

Comparison robs us of our joy, taking us to a place where we feel less than. I know comparing is hard not to do. One thing to keep in mind that might be helpful: isn’t a person’s character what’s fundamentally important? And how do we know someone’s character from a series of photos? We don’t. So when you’re scrolling, remember you really don’t know their life. No one is posting the difficult moments they experience. No one is posting the mistakes they make.

A good mantra to remember is: I have enough, I do enough, I am enough. Remembering this while scrolling through social media is a good way to keep yourself grounded and less likely to compare yourself to others.

Please read the other blogs in this series:

need for belonging

Social Media Part 3: Need for Belonging

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Along with connection, we have an innate need to belong. It’s a basic human need and is, infact, necessary for our well being. The Belong Theory, according to Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary, states “humans have a fundamental motivation to be accepted into relationships with others and to be a part of social groups. The fact that belongingness is a need means that human beings must establish and maintain a minimum quantity of enduring relationships.”

I’m sure you’ve heard the commercials from the beginning of the pandemic: “We’re all in this together.” No one wants to feel they are going through life alone. The feeling of belonging can be translated to: am I accepted? Do I matter? Am I not alone in this world?

How does this need relate to social media?

Social media is a place we go to feel like we belong and feel we are important to others. It’s where we share news, stories, funny memes, or Tik Toks. It’s where we cultivate friendships. It’s our community.

This all sounds good! So, what’s the problem?

Social media can help us feel like we belong but it also shows us when we don’t belong. And we can’t escape seeing it.

When we weren’t invited to a party before social media, it felt bad. We would sit home, knowing they were having fun without us. We’d know we weren’t included. Maybe we’d even hear about the event the next day. It was painful.

But now, we not only aren’t included, we see first hand that we aren’t included. We can watch the fun going on without us. It’s like a mirror showing us we don’t belong and the fun is happening without us.

Social media makes it obvious to others too, when we don’t belong–causing embarrassment and sometimes shame for us. I see I don’t belong but now everyone else sees it too.

Social media opens the door to show when we aren’t included and threatens our feelings of belonging which leaves us feeling rejected. It stirs the pot of our insecurities. UGH! It can be so painful!

We hear a lot about FOMO (fear of missing out). But, it’s not just FOMO. It’s fear of not belonging. When we aren’t accepted by our peers, it can feel like we don’t matter.

It’s really important to name what we feel. Understanding the thoughts and feelings that come up with social media can help. We can all tend to scroll mindlessly and not realize how what we see impacts how we feel. Ask yourself if your sense of belonging is taking a hit when engaging with social media. If the answer is yes, make a conscious effort to change your use. If you know you weren’t invited to an event then don’t watch it happening. I know this can be soooo hard. But would you rather satisfy your curiosity or save your mental wellbeing?

Please read the other blogs in this series:

need for connection

Social Media Part 2: Need for Connection

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Humans have a biological need to connect with others. In fact, it’s a large part of our survival. Social media feeds this basic need to connect with others. And it let’s us do it with ease and immediacy. We can find someone to chat with in an instant. We can see what’s going on with our friends in seconds. When we get good news or bad news, someone is always there to share it with. In fact, there are great things about social media.

So, what’s the problem?

Our drive to connect with others drives our use. And when we reach out and don’t get a connection, it can leave our mind to jump to conclusions and cause painful feelings.

For instance, how about when we send something that goes ‘unread’ or ‘read’ but with no response. Oh, the pain and anguish over this! We’ve all been there. We send a text or a snap and there’s no response on the other end. It can leave us wondering. Are you going to connect with me or not? Why did you read my note and then not respond? Is it something I said? Are you mad at me? Am I not important to you? Is our friendship/relationship in trouble? What should I do?

You may think this is an overreaction for just being unread or not responded to, but this happens. Teens (and really, anyone!) can get into these head spaces. It’s a minefield of anxiety and pain for some. We tend to read into the meaning behind someone not paying attention to us. We reach out and they aren’t there. What does that mean about me and our relationship? It can be like quicksand… a sinking feeling. And one that can last for a while if they don’t respond. WHY AM I BEING REJECTED?

Then we are left with: should I or shouldn’t I take another stab at reaching out again? Would that be a good thing or will I seem too needy? Will they be annoyed with me? How long should I wait to try again? How long before I know I’ve been ghosted? So many questions are left swirling around in our heads.

What seemed like a simple outreach to another for connection, just got stressful. And life is already stressful! This can just add another layer on top sending us to a dark place. It leaves us feeling unsure about ourselves. It leaves us feeling anxiety and sadness about the possibilities of our friendships being in jeopardy.

I know it’s hard to avoid the ‘question game’ with yourself. BUT the questioning only elevates your anxious feelings. Think about how much weight you are giving a text or Snapchat response. Ask yourself: Am I really just afraid that my friendship is in jeopardy? Is my worry warranted? Is my relationship really in danger of ending just because they haven’t responded yet?

Please read the other blogs in this series:

social media and teens

Social Media Part 1: Social Media and Our Mental Wellbeing

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Introduction

Social media is such a hot topic, one that’s part of my daily conversations in sessions with teens and young adults. I see firsthand the impact social media has on their lives and their mental well being. It can become their best friend and their worst enemy–all at the same time.  The friend that is always there for them but isn’t always kind. The friend that gives us all the good feels, yet at times leaves us with feelings of despair. The friend that can cause our minds to play tricks on us.

Social media can become an addiction we can’t seem to put down because it’s in our pocket all day long. Our phones have become a necessity nowadays. It can almost feel like there is no escape, like we’re chained to them.

With social media, there is never down time. It never stops. There is always SOMETHING happening which can make people feel like there’s no time to relax.  Checking and rechecking to make sure we are still in good with our peers–or that we’re not missing anything.

With this endless cycle, it can feel like there’s constant noise and chaos. No true quiet time. But most don’t even realize it’s happening. And for teens and young adults, it’s all they’ve ever known. It just seems normal because it’s always been a constant in their lives.

Why is social media so powerful that we can’t put it down? It taps into some of our most basic needs, like connection and belonging. Social media feeds these two needs… or so we think. In this six part series, I will shed light on how social media satisfies our need for connection and belonging but also, how it can turn on us quickly causing major disruption for our mental wellbeing. I’ll also discuss how our natural tendency to be curious can create an additive pattern, increasing our levels of anxiety and depression.

Please read the other blogs in this series: